Appetizers

Hanky Doodle Dandy

After being claimed by twelve lucky readers, the leftover handkerchiefs screenprinted with our menu from last week’s party are in the mail. The initial purpose of these hankies was to help transport home hunks from our wheel of Parm, but I have a suggestion for a secondary use: as a helpful flag when eating at restaurants.

The hanky code came into vogue in queer circles in the 1970s—you’d wear a handkerchief, color-coded for a variety of sexual acts, in the back left pocket if you were a top and the back right pocket if you were a bottom. So: wear your Gourmet hanky on the left to let your dining companions know you’re a Menu Dom (ready, willing, and able to order for the entire table, taking into account dietary restrictions, preferences, and what your fellow diners don’t even know they want yet), or on the right to declare yourself a Menu Sub (very happy to sit back and be ordered for).

As a Menu Switch myself, I encourage fluidity in your hanky use depending on the restaurant, your dining party, etc. Polite inquiries into my other preferred hanky colors and placements will be entertained via email. —N.S.

Coffee Conundrum: Concluded

On Tuesday, I pleaded for help. How best to succinctly order a black coffee such that the cup is filled enough that I’m getting my money’s worth, but not so much that it is sloshing out all over the damn place? Asked and answered—thank you, readers! Responses have been edited carefully to prevent spillage; a little room to walk, if you will. —A.B.S.

Veteran barista here from a shop that tends to be incredibly busy during the morning rush—you are overthinking EVERYTHING. The short answer is, start saying “just a little bit” whenever they ask if you want room. I think you are also underestimating how incredibly complicated and needy other customers are—a black coffee with a bit of room is the simplest order they’ll get all day. —Zoe S.

Former professional barista, current professional coffee trainer here. For the black coffee drinker who does not wish to scald their fingers by accidentally tipping 205-degree liquid caffeination from the tippy-top of their to-go cup, requesting “walking room” is common practice. “Room for milk?” “No thanks, just a bit of room to walk.” Should do the trick. —Lauren L. 

As someone who does take milk in my coffee, there is usually not enough room for both milk and spilling. I ask for “room to spill,” “room for clumsiness,” “room to not singe myself,” or “yes please, a little.”  The latter works well, as manners often do—my cosmic suggestion in lieu of other choice words to the impatient people behind us in the queue. —Vanessa P.

Stop trying to explain. “Yes, room for milk.” You get what you want and the people behind you aren’t irked because you feel the need to explain. Sounds like a boomer thing needing to explain 🤣🤣😅. —Linda M. [Editor’s note: I am 37!!!!!]

As a chronic spiller, I have taken to ordering a drink but asking for the next larger cup size (i.e medium coffee in a large cup). Usually, no one blinks an eye. This has had some improvement in reducing coffee spillage. —Papier K.

Androids Dream of Electric Beef

You know what’s ripe for disruption? Cows. I met a man wearing a striped trilby and multiple flowing scarves at a conference in Detroit last summer who told me that he had invented a way to use the body heat and motion of cattle to power a distributed network of computer chips housed in devices attached to their ears. These ear tags would collectively function as a living data center, allowing him to run artificial intelligence software on the jostling heads of bovines out on the range.

This week, a company called Halter raised $220 million from big Silicon Valley investors for a much more boring A.I. cattle proposition. The company is charging $5 to $8 per month, per cow to strap on a solar-powered collar that keeps track of the animal’s location and some health metrics, and allows ranchers to “herd cows remotely using vibrations and audio cues,” per Bloomberg. Wake me up when the herd can run Doom. —S.D.